On Grace

What follows is a blog I wrote in December of 2011, after my first semester of LIFT.  I'm reposting it here (with a few edits) because I feel that the message of Grace is important to hear and to be daily reminded of it's simplicity.  Guiding others to a place to receive this love and grace is what drives me.  I want to work with SROM because I feel that the wilderness provides a classroom rich with opportunities to extend and (often more importantly) receive grace.  As always, please feel free to email me for more information about what I'm doing!

It has taken me 22 years of growing up in the Church to accept Christ's love. I spent most of my life growing up trying to earn my way into a position to receive Grace. I grasped the concept that I am a sinner in need of a Savior early on, but to me it translated into a sort of tally mark system: my sin was wiped away upon "asking Jesus into my heart," but all the sin after that was tallied against me. The saving power of Christ's sacrifice was sufficient to cover my sins, but that really only counted for unintentional sins. If I wanted forgiveness for the tally of sins I willfully committed I had to prove by good intentions and irreproachable behavior that I was not only sorry for my sins but striving the best I could to do better in the present and the future. If I could prove beyond reasonable doubt that I was trying to do better, I might just earn my way into a position to be forgiven. But I couldn't ever really know if I was doing enough to prove myself, not until the Day of Judgment. Assurance of Salvation? What's that?

I hope that this is as obviously wrong to you as it is to me now. But growing up it seemed to me to be the only way to reconcile the free Grace of God with His Righteousness. To me, I was showing proper reverence and fear for the Almighty Judge of the Universe. I wanted to love God, but I wanted to make sure that I was doing it right, not cheapening Grace, and properly understanding the faith I chose to follow. In so doing I undervalued Grace, had no concept of the core of what it means to be after God's own heart, and did everything wrong. Thank God that He didn't leave this sinner alone in a prison of my own misunderstanding.

There is no tally system. There is no 'enough.' There is no proving. Grace cannot be earned. The more I tried to earn it, the more I proved that I had no concept of it. There is no gift-exchange for Grace, for there is nothing that I can offer in return of equal or greater value. There is not even me, simple-minded, disobedient, self-righteous ragamuffin that I am, because everything I am and will ever be comes from God. There is Grace, and there is the God of the Universe reconciling us to Himself.

I was reading through old emails (that's a normal thing to do, right?) and came across something I sent to a friend over the summer. Upon reflection, I think this is the beginning of my waking up to Grace. It's akin to the hazy moments when you try to open your eyes in a dream and see the bedroom around you. You're not quite awake, but the reality around you begins to shape your dreams.

"I am just now learning to live in freedom toward who I am. I am full of inconsistencies and skewed perspectives and weird quirks that embarrass me and fears that drive me and baggage that weighs me down. But I want to love God. I am not overwhelmed by my humanness because I believe that God is bigger than my humanness, and big enough in fact to not only tolerate my humanness but USE my messy quirky fearful angsty cussing humanness. God doesn't call us into an awareness of Himself to love Him so that He can tolerate us in our messiness for the rest of our earthly lives, waiting it out for us to die so He can rescue our spirits up to eternal delight. He calls us into an awareness of Himself because He loves us. As we are, He loves us. He doesn't love us for who we will eventually be, He loves us for who we are. Now. Before. Always."

There is no tally system. Grace is not an 'elementary doctrine' of Christianity, it is what all other theology, orthodoxy, orthopraxy, doctrine, and dogma points to and centers on. The Gospel is not something that we as Christians ever grow out of, it is something we continually grow toward. We fool ourselves if we think that our theological studies can ever bring us to a greater revelation than Grace.

Hallelujah, my salvation is not conditional on my worthiness. Hallelujah, my salvation is not the sum total of God's plan for me. Hallelujah, His Grace is enough.

Transitions and Missions

It would be difficult to explain where I am going without first describing where I have been, and neither would make sense without God.

I graduated from a small, Christian, liberal-arts college in 2011.  I spent the year after graduation in a small town in Upstate New York with a group of 19 other students in a discipleship program called LIFT.  I entered the program as a secretly arrogant perfectionist intent on earning my way to grace, and I graduated with a little less pride in my own ability and a little more confidence in God's delight, love, and direction for my life.  The Lord put an end to my striving for acceptance and approval, and He let me rest in the knowledge that--greater than all of the friendships, abilities, and gifts he has given me--His love is enough.  As simple as this sounds, it has changed my life.  It has changed the way I interact with those around me and how I use the abilities He has given me, and the ongoing realization of His love has given me a beautiful freedom to explore who God has created me to be.  

During my second semester of LIFT, I applied for and was accepted to the Outdoor Leadership Masters Program at Denver Seminary.  I wanted to prepare to disciple others in the same way that I had been discipled at LIFT, and I figured a graduate degree was a good place to start.  I deferred my enrollment to spend one last year at home with my family and to start saving for tuition.  And thus began my year of waiting.  

I do not wait well, I am discovering.  I value efficiency, and I like to contribute and feel productive.  This past year has needled me in all of these areas.  In short:  I returned from Upstate New York in September; I had corrective eye surgery in November and could not function for 2-3 weeks due to extreme light sensitivity; I broke my ankle in December, but didn't realize that it was broken and required surgery until February; I was unable to walk by myself until March; and I had follow-up eye surgery in April.  The first half of my transitional year turned out to be much more sedentary than I had initially imagined.  Time and time again I found myself stymied in finding value in my ability to produce; God was gently reminding me that it's not what I do but who I am that matters the most.  Yes, what I do and how I use the things He has given me is immensely important, but it all means nothing if I lose who I am in the process.  (And don't think that this year has been all rough...a lot of really wonderful, unexpected things have been happening as well!)

In May I traveled to Utah and Colorado with a few college friends, and had the opportunity to stop by Denver Seminary's campus.  I chatted with my admissions counselor and my financial aid advisor, and I got to stop in and visit some apartments to look at signing a lease.  As I was walking around and taking it all in, envisioning myself sitting in classes in the fall, I realized that I wasn't excited about it.  I had been praying for confirmation and direction as I drove out, and I came away with more doubt and questions than answers.  I hate using the phrase "I just didn't have peace about it..." but things truly did not sit well with me.  I talked through different questions and options with mentors in my life, and I decided to apply for a position with Solid Rock Outdoor Ministries.  After an encouraging phone interview and a lengthy Skype interview, I was offered a full-time position working in the course management area for SROM!  It's difficult to convey excitement, relief, joy, etc. in writing without endless exclamation marks, but just try to imagine it with me.

And that's where I sit now.  I'm preparing for the Wilderness Ministry Professional Course, a prerequisite course for all SROM full-time staff, which starts August 21st.  If I can gather $1,200 in monthly support by then, I'll stay out in Laramie and continue on as a staff member.  The next two months are going to be full of prayer, packing, and support letters!  I will continue to update this blog with prayer requests and hopefully an entertaining anecdote or two as I figure out what this journey is that the Lord has for me.  (I promise I'll try to keep it shorter in the future.)  As for now, please join with me in praying for a support network (a prayer support network as well as a financial support network), logistics as I pack and prepare to move, and wisdom to end my time at home well.  And, as always, please pray that I rely on Christ's grace and direction more than my own heart's leading.

If you have any questions, feel free to email me!  It may take me a few days to get back to you, but I would love to connect!  

Blessings,
Olivia