Jehovah Jireh

"Jehovah Jireh

My Provider

His grace is sufficient for me"

 

Ryan and I were in San Fransisco last week for his brother's wedding (which was spectacular!) and then spent the next few days exploring. We were so grateful to get to spend time with his family in California, and we couldn't be happier for Eric and Jenn! 

(my best man)

After the wedding on Saturday, we spent the next Sunday and Monday hanging out with his family and exploring local vineyards, olive oil presses, and the bay area of San Fransisco. We got a little taste of California's redwoods on Monday morning, which got us even more excited for Yosemite! We made it to the park on Tuesday evening, and even squeezed in a little hike after setting up camp Tuesday night. (We probably could have hiked for longer if I hadn't stopped so often to gape at the gorgeous views and take pictures of everything.)

 

Wednesday we hiked up the Mist Trail to Vernal and Nevada falls. We stopped for lunch at the top of Nevada Falls, and reconsidered our options for the rest of the day. Though we had initially thought of just hiking to the waterfalls, we changed our itinerary and decided to continue on the Muir Trail up to Glacier Point. It was a long, hot, dry hike, but the views were absolutely spectacular. The hike up the Panorama Trail gave us an incredible perspective, and we could see Half Dome, all of Vernal and Nevada Falls, and Illilouette Falls. From Glacier Point, we could see nearly the entire valley. It was well worth the 16+ miles and staggering back to camp after dark!

 

We slept in on Thursday morning, packed up camp, did a few quick (paved) trails to Lower Yosemite Falls and Bridal Veil Falls, and said goodbye to Yosemite. We had been hoping to spend some time in the Tahoe National Forest, but realized that it would take us way further out of our way than we had initially planned for. So we stopped at Lake Tahoe for a few hours instead!

Representing SROM at Lake Tahoe!

We drove across most of Nevada on Friday, and stopped for dinner in the little town of Wendover, just west of the Salt Flats of Utah. When we got back on the one-way section of I-80 after dinner, the dreaded engine light came on and the engine gauge indicated that we were in danger of overheating. We pulled over, popped the hood, and let the engine cool down a bit. Ryan checked the coolant levels and we were completely dry...it had sprayed out and was leaking out the bottom of the car. Thankfully we had filled up our water bottles before we had left that morning, so we had plenty of water to use until we could make it to a gas station (54 miles away) for coolant. 

Unfortunately, it wasn't quite that easy. We started driving again, and almost immediately had to pull over again. The engine was still indicating dangerously high temperatures. As it turns out, the radiator hose had separated from the radiator, and all of our water had drained out. We had the Jeep towed to a local mechanic in Wendover and booked a hotel for the night. After the mechanic had taken a look at it, he showed Ryan and I that it wasn't as simple as replacing the radiator hose; the piece of the radiator that connects to the hose had completely melted off, and we would need to replace the entire radiator. He said he had found one at the local junkyard that seemed like it would work, and that he still would probably be able to get us on the road by closing time (3:00pm). If the one from the junkyard couldn't work, the mechanic said he could order one and have it in Wendover by Tuesday. (Tuesday!!)

(there's just something poetic about being broken down in the desert)

Long story short, the junkyard radiator was just different enough that it couldn't work. Ryan and I rented a car, drove to Salt Lake City, and searched for a radiator there. The parts store that had initially said they had the correct radiator had the same model as the junkyard: no good for us. We finally found a usable radiator in the little town of Toole, and made it back to Wendover at around 4:00pm. The mechanic (who I now believe is a chain-smoking angel on earth) stayed late in order to get the radiator in our Jeep and get us on the road!

As we were (finally) driving back to Wyoming, I had a lot of time to think about God and His provision. Jehovah Jireh, my Provider. God provided a radiator and a skilled (and generous) mechanic for us in the middle of Nowhere, Nevada! But that is not what makes God my Provider. 

God is my Provider because He has provided an atonement for my sin and a way back to restored relationship with Him. As the season of Lent draws to a close, I'm so grateful for this reminder! Yes, God has and continues to provide for Ryan and I. On a very tangible level, I get to continue to work at SROM because God provides financial support for me each and every month! But I think I can get too used to the idea that God provides what I think I need on a day-to-day basis, and I forget that the greatest demonstration of His provision is first and foremost that He provided a way for this sinner to return to Him. If we had been stuck in Wendover for a year, God would still be Provider. If all of my monthly financial support stopped today, God would still be Provider. If all of my perceived needs were never met again, God would still be Provider.

It's a hard concept for me to wrestle around in my mind. I confess, I think I've become comfortable. I've become accustomed to having enough to eat and a safe place to live; I'm accustomed to having my basic needs met. And while I absolutely recognize that it is all from God's hand that these things come, I'm tempted to base my understanding of His provision on whether or not my needs are being met. As Ryan and I were searching for a radiator, I confess being a little frustrated with God: "Why haven't You provided one yet? Are You going to provide in my timing, or am I going to have to figure this one out myself?" I began to wane in my trust of His provision because I was too narrowly focused on the here and now. Jehovah Jireh, my Provider. His grace is sufficient for me. His grace is sufficient for me.

His grace is sufficient for me. In His grace, He provided a perfect Savior for me. If I don't see that as enough, I am woefully underestimating my own sinfulness and His righteousness.

Lord, You are my Provider. You provided a way where there was none. You provided a perfect sacrifice through Jesus, and You provide grace for each day. Thank You. And thank You for little day-to-day reminders of Your total provision. You are so Good. You are so Good to me.

On Receiving Love

"Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved.  Those who think they can love only the people they prefer do not love at all.  Love discovers truths about individuals that others cannot see."

-Soren Kierkegaard 

A coworker shared this quote with me several months ago, and I've had it posted on my desk for so long that I have ceased to notice it's there.  Thankfully it stuck in my brain enough to be recalled the past few days as I've been thinking about love and newly-wedded bliss.

Last night Ryan and I celebrated our first month of marriage, and even though it's been only one month I have realized quite a bit about myself...particularly how difficult it is for me to simply receive love.  Ryan is a very patient man and very good at reminding me that he loves me for who I am, not for the things I do.  His love for me is reassuring because I know him to be a consistent, faithful, man.  The more I know him, the more I can trust his love.  

If Kierkegaard is right about love (and he generally knew what he was talking about), love is an expression more than it is a reflection.  Ryan's love for me is an expression of who he is, not a reflection of who I am.  The more I learn about who Ryan is, the way he lives day-to-day life, the little quirks that make him who he is, the more I learn about how he loves me.  Additionally, the more I get to know Ryan, the more he is able to teach me how to love him.  (There is always a small part of me that worries that I'm not doing enough to let him know how much I love him, how interested in him I am, or how much I want to learn more about him.  I want to know him better because I want to love him better because I already love him so much!)

Because marriage is a metaphor for how Christ loves the Church, and because I tend to learn best in metaphors, I extrapolate much in regards to my relationship with Christ from my marriage.  It's always been difficult for me to receive the unconditional, priceless grace and love of God.  For a long time I lived under self-imposed pressure to prove to God how much I loved Him and how much I valued His grace and mercy.  To be honest, I didn't really understand His heart and what He desires of us, so I was unable to receive His love or truly love Him back.  But God's love for me is an expression of who he is, not a reflection of who I am.  God loves me perfectly, purely, constantly because He is Perfect, Pure, and Constant.  If I want to get to know God more (which I do!) I need to begin by letting go of my preconceived notions of who He is and learn about who He actually is through His love.

1 John  4:7-12 gives us a glimpse into this mystery:

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.  No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

"No one has ever seen God: but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."  We learn more about who God is by expressing His love to others in our lives.  And, in so doing, that Love changes us and is "made complete in us."

I wish I understood this better.  The more I wrestle with this concept of love, the more I realize that I don't get it.  In order to understand God more, I need to receive His love more fully...but in order to receive His love more fully, I need to first express that love to others?  Or is it that in seeking to love others that I learn more about who God is because I understand the nature of His love better as I realize that He is much better at loving the unlovable than I am?  Is it in realizing my own shortcomings of love that I realize the vast perfection of His love?  All of the above?

Am I really surprised that I'm realizing how little I know about love after a month of being married?  Nope.  Just scratching the surface.  But I am excited to continue to learn about the connection between giving and receiving love and how it informs the "discovery of truths about individuals that others cannot see."  And I am thankful that I have a very patient husband and an infinitely more patient Savior to take this journey with me.

Obedience Without an Agenda

Last weekend I was flipping through Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest, one of my absolute favorite devotionals.  One of the ideas that jumped out to me was exposed the mentality that if I hear God and I obey His calling, He will make me successful.  God's ultimate purpose in giving me a command must be my success, right?  (Or, if the concept of "success" has negative connotations, I can easily substitute "fruitfulness."  God's ultimate purpose in giving me a command must be my fruitfulness, right?)

I think this expectation is much more present in my life than I realize.  I am willing to take great risks for God because of the underlying assumption that success or 'fruit' is on the immediate other side.  "Lord, you want me to move out to Wyoming to work without a salary for a non-profit outdoor ministry?  Awesome!!  You must have a ton of immediately-gratifying work for me to do!"  It sometimes works that way, and it's great when it does!  The problem is that I quickly expect things to always be that way.  I grow frustrated and feel unfulfilled when my obedience to God doesn't lead to me feeling immediately happy, successful, or useful.

God is concerned with our holiness, not simply our fruitfulness.  Fruit overflows from holiness, but it can never be the other way around.  Fruit produced by my own strength or for my own agenda quickly rots.

There are a lot of strong commands regarding bearing fruit in Jesus' teachings (Matthew 3:10, Matthew 7:16-20, Matthew 21:43, Luke 3:8-9, etc.), so I don't want to belittle the importance of bearing good fruit.  I recognize that it is so important to "let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds [good fruit] and glorify your Father in heaven."  (Matthew 5:16)  Fruit is important! but it is not the most important.  Jesus gives us a sobering reminder in John 15: "I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. [...] Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."  (ESV)  I've written on this before, but it is still something I so quickly forget:

God calls us to obedience so that we may abide with Him.  It is through our abiding with Him that He brings about holiness in our lives.

Obedience is the means to the end of intimacy with our Savior, our Lord, our King.  Fruitfulness or success can never be our ultimate end for obedience.  If fruitfulness or success is the end that I'm seeking, I've made fruit the object of my worship...my idol.  I've focused more on my sacrifice than the One to whom I offer it.  I'm more concerned with what I think the Lord wants than with patiently waiting and continuing with faithful obedience, regardless of how long it takes for Him to reveal His purposes.

Are we really so foolish that we can think to manipulate the Almighty by obeying Him with our own agenda in our hearts?  "God, I will obey You so that You can bring about the results I desire."  Lord, teach me to obey You without an agenda!  Teach me to obey You with a heart that desires intimacy with You above all else.  Give me a heart that rejoices in fruit, but that does not turn to the fruit for satisfaction and affirmation.  Give me a craving for intimacy with You that leads to holiness; guard me from feeling that fruit entitles me to holiness or intimacy with You.  It is by Grace alone that I can abide with You.  Thank You for Your Grace!

Seasons of Transitions

I am a creature of habit.  I like routine, I like consistency, I'm comfortable with predictability.  Don't get me wrong, I like spontaneity!  But I want to know when it's going to happen and how much emotional energy it's going to occupy.  What can I say?  I'm my father's daughter.

I think sometimes I trick myself into thinking that the rest of the world stays mostly static, and it throws me off when I realize that it's not just the seasons that change with time.  People grow and change as much as (and more than!) the leaves on the trees or weather patterns.  If we didn't, I'd still have to stand on a chair in order to reach the kitchen table.

Moving from one season of life to the next always means saying goodbyes of some sort.  In growing up we have to say goodbye to the way of life that we once knew.  We have to say goodbye to familiar ways of relating to those around us, because saying goodbye to old relational dynamics allows those relationships to grow and change and mature.  If those dynamics didn't ever change, I would still see my parents only as authority figures and I would be missing out on the rich friendship I get to enjoy with them now!

When I moved to Wyoming, I had to say goodbye to all of the familiarity that I knew at home and embrace a lot of change in every sphere of life.  Even in relationships that were (and are) still present and thriving in my life, I had to embrace change in regards to what those relationships look like.  

Our relationship with God is as dynamic and changing as our relationships with one another.  He never changes, but He does bring us into deeper understandings of His love for us and His plans for us.  The ways I relate to God now are much deeper and richer now than they were in junior high, high school, or college.  I pray that my relationship with God would continue to deepen, and that 20 years from now I would look back on this time and see exponential growth!  How can I experience that growth and change if I cling more tightly to the familiar patterns than I do to Him?  My tendency is to trust the familiar, and be wary of the new.  But if I never trust new ways of knowing God, how can I step out in faith and see His hand move in my life?  (This is something I am very much still processing!)

In each new season of change, I've learned to trust that God will provide for me.  I think it's much easier for me to trust God's provision in tangible ways than it is to trust Him in regards to my relationship with Him.  (I recognize how backwards this is.)  Seeing His hand in the one should lead me to greater trust in the other...and I think that's what's happening in this season of life.

Lord, give me the grace to trust You and trust the ways that You are leading me closer to Your heart.  Guard me from a false perspective or understanding of You.  Guard me from trusting the familiar more than I trust You.  Thank You for Your patience with me!!

Something Worth Celebrating

I was fortunate enough to spend all last week back at my parents' house in Illinois.  I spend wonderful time playing with my nieces and holding my (enormous) 8-month-old nephew; I got to see the house my sister and brother-in-law recently bought; I had a few precious times of video chatting with my Grandpa John in Florida; I celebrated with good friends at a wedding; and we celebrated Christ's resurrection at an Easter Vigil on Saturday night.  It was absolutely wonderful to get to spend so much time with family and friends, and to get to experience springtime in the Midwest.  (I forgot how green everything becomes!!  Laramie's biggest source of green at the moment are the pine trees and store awnings.)

There are a few very important lessons I learned while I was at home:

1.  No one, not even Idina Menzel, can sing "Let it Go" as passionately as a 3-year-old.

2.  Coffee ground for a drip machine should never, ever be used in a French Press.

3.  When hiding Easter eggs for toddlers, never give them the benefit of the doubt: "hide" the eggs in absolutely obvious plain sight.  And stand next to the ones that might be partially obscured and give hints like "Have you smelled these flowers?  They smell like chocolate!"

4.  I wouldn't trade my family in for all the creme eggs in the world.

It hit me this past week at several moments that Christ's resurrection is truly something worth celebrating.  It is the resurrection that gives us hope and peace in the face of death.  It is the resurrection that gives us the ability to endure suffering with grace.  It is the resurrection that gives us joy in life because we don't fear death.  Death doesn't win; death doesn't get the final word.

My family and I are facing the imminent passing of my Grandpa John, and it's been hard to see him suffer so much pain as he rapidly declines.  My mom reminded me last night that this is what God was trying to protect us from in the Garden: we were never meant to experience the pain and grief that comes with dying and watching loved ones die.  By the same token, this is the victory Christ won over Death!  This is the victory of the resurrection.  This pain and grief serves to remind us that this is not our home, but that through Christ we are headed home.

Grandpa John is an amazing man who is so ready to see the King he has faithfully loved and served during his life.  He has set a foundation of faith for our family, and I know that I am living in the blessing of that foundation.  It is the resurrection that gives my family and I the ability to celebrate my grandpa's life, even as we mourn his soon passing.  As my aunt phrased it, "he is almost to the Gate, and it's beautiful."  Thank you Lord for the life of this incredible man.

If there is anything worth celebrating, it is the resurrection.  Alleluia, Christ is Risen indeed.

Trail Life

As a staff we've been reading through a book called Changes that Heal and talking a lot about healthy self-awareness.  I'll admit, I was skeptical of the book at first.  But it has sparked some really good discussions during our chapter debriefs each week, and there's been a lot of good content!

The chapter we read this past week led to a discussion on self-awareness and self-analysis, and how we can often be tempted to lean only on ourselves for self-understanding.  (By the way, there are several philosophers who have dissected this topic, much more eloquently and thoroughly than I could ever hope to...read through Levinas, Derrida, Gadamer, Heidegger, Husserl, etc. and their thoughts on Phenomenology and "the Other.")  I thought about the parallels between figuring out who I am in the context of community and when I need to figure out where I am when I'm reading a map on the trail.

Above is a topographic map of one of the areas in which we lead courses over the summer.  It takes the right perspective to be able to translate that green and white map with squiggly brown lines and be able to accurately see where you are on the map when what you see in front of you on the trail looks more like this:

That's a picture taken by a friend of mine during my first course with SROM as we were hiking in the Wind River Range.  (I know, it's gorgeous.  Even looking at it now, I can't believe it's real and that I got to stare at it while I ate my dinner that night.)  This is Squaretop Mountain...you can find it on the map above in the lower middle leftish.  The tricky part about reading maps is that you can't ever rely on only one feature (a mountain, ridge, lake, river, etc...something that's not likely to completely change a whole lot over time) to tell you where you are.  Unless you're exceedingly familiar with the area in which you're traveling, you can't accurately determine your location based on one point.  For example, based on the perspective of the picture above, can you figure out where on the map the picture was taken?  You can't do it based on looking at Squaretop alone, you have to take into consideration the mountains to the right in the picture and the field in which you're standing.  

In orienteering, we use a method called "triangulation" to help determine more accurately where you are on a map.  The basics of it involve looking first to see what features you can determine around you...you have to see where you actually are first.  A common mistake is to try and first focus on the map and project what you see on the map onto the features around you.  Instead of looking around at where you actually are and seeing a large, square mountain in front of you, a field around you, and a set of mountains to your right, there is the temptation to look at the map first and find things on the map that might possibly resemble what you see around you.  The danger here is that, rather than getting an accurate picture of where you are, you're trying to force where you want to be or where you think you are on the map to be the reality of where you are.  "Based on the map, we should see this feature which....uh...could be that over there...."

Triangulation, when done incorrectly, will let you lead yourself further and further away from where you want to be with the utmost confidence in yourself.  However, when done correctly, triangulation will give you a pretty accurate idea of where you are on the map, it can help you plan out the path of least resistance, and can help you prepare to be expecting as you move forward.  

In a similar way, God puts us in community to give us an accurate picture of who we are and where He would like us to be going.  I'm not saying that we should all go out and get analyzed by every single person in our community, but I have found a lot of benefit in getting to know and be truly known by two or three close friends...people that are solid and are not likely to completely change a whole lot over time.  People who are willing to help me get an accurate picture of my strengths, my weaknesses, my successes, my failures, my gifts and abilities, my temptations and shortcomings, and how to continue to grow into becoming a woman after God's own heart who walks in the freedom of knowing that she is Beloved of the Lord.  As much as I might prefer to trust my own intuition and my own self-analysis, that would be tantamount to walking into an unknown wilderness area and trusting in my "gut" to lead me to a good, safe path.  (Spoiler alert: that is how people get lost in the mountains and die.)  

I need a map and compass in the wilderness.  I need to actually use and pay attention to the map.  I need to know how to use the map and compass correctly.  And when I don't know how to do those things, I need to seek perspective from people in my group who are much better at reading maps than I am.  I need to seek perspective from people in my group who are familiar with the territory in which we're traveling.  If we're diligent in learning from where we've been and we're accurate in our assessment of where we are, we will get to go to some pretty incredible places together.

Keeping the Soil Fertile

A man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard, and he came seeking fruit on it and found none.  And he said to the vinedresser, 'Look, for three years now I have come seeking fruit on this fig tree, and I find none.  Cut it down.  Why should it use up the ground?'  And he answered him, 'Sir, let it alone this year also, until I dig around it and put on manure.  Then if it should bear fruit next year, well and good; but if not, you can cut it down.'  (Luke 13:6-9, ESV)

It's amazing to reflect on how easy it is for me to see the potential in others, but then how quickly  I tend to give up on myself.  When talking through a dry season with a friend, I can so clearly see how God is working in them to will and act according to His good purpose; but when processing through my own dry season, I lose sight of any progress and can quickly sink into a sort of spiritual apathy.  

I can't expect to be growing and able to produce much fruit if I'm not taking in the necessary nutrients!  Much like the vinedresser from the parable above, I have to tend to the soil first with the faith that the fruit will come.  Lack of fruit is the sign that something is wrong, but what is the appropriate response to that sign?

In times of spiritual apathy the easy choice is to focus on my lack of fruit (the lack of joy, the lack of caring, the lack of any wisdom to give to others in my life, etc.) and by so doing to let that discouragement drive me deeper into apathy, eventually leading to an ever-increasing cycle of despair, apathy, discouragement, and depression.  I need the reminder to 'tend to my soil,' as it were: to fill my soul and spirit by spending time with my Gardener.  My job is not to try and create something from nothing by striving to produce fruit without fertilized soil; my job is to take in the nutrients from my Father, Gardener, and Friend.  He is the One who created healthy trees to naturally produce good fruit, and He is the One who will work in my life to bring 'good fruit' in my life.  He is my Source.  If I am connected to Him, the dry season will pass, the apathy will lift, and the fruit will come.  

Is this to say that I have no responsibility in the process?  By no means!  I do have a responsibility!  But if I try to produce fruit, I'm in essence taking glory from God because I'm claiming that I can do what He does of my own strength.  Yes, Jesus tells His followers that "by their fruit" you can distinguish good teachers from bad.  But He doesn't say "by their fruit you will recognize them, so worry about the fruit you bear."  He says "I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. [...] Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."  (John 15:1, 5, ESV)  The command is to "abide in me," 'find your nutrients in Me, let Me fill your soil with good things.'  I am to be intentional about 'tending the soil' and making sure it is full of good things rather than letting it fill up with unhealthy, contentious things.  Where does my mind drift when I don't have anything to occupy it?  What thoughts or feelings am I entertaining?  Am I choosing to devote my mental and emotional energy to things that are of God, or am I letting my sinful desires creep in and take up residence?  Am I seeking nutrients, or am I seeking to produce my own fruit?  My own fruit will inevitably sour and rot.  The fruit that God produces in me will last.  May I be a tree that naturally produces God-glorifying fruit.

Reflections on Lent

From what I can tell, the season of Lent often gets a bad reputation for being legalistic, contrived, and a contributor to a works-based righteousness mentality.  I agree that we need to avoid legalism and going through the motions without engaging at a heart level.  I agree that we need to avoid works-based righteousness and to avoid seeing Lent as a means to 'earn' our way to holiness.  But the same can be true of any of the spiritual disciplines we practice at any point in time!  We need to avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

There are absolutely times that I don't feel like fasting, or reading my Bible, or praying, or worshiping, or any other of the spiritual disciplines.  There are times when it feels like I'm going through the motions and when the actions that I do are stale.  There are times when my relationship with God feels distant and I feel apathetic.  There are times when everything about following Christ feels empty.  There are times when my relationship with God is incredibly fulfilling and I feel so satisfied in Him!  There are times when all I want to do is rejoice in who He is and what He has done.  There are times when my relationship with Jesus brings me such amazing Joy!  Feelings can be great!

But Love is not a feeling.

My relationship with Christ is not based on how I feel, much in the same way that my relationship with family and loved ones is not based on how I feel toward them at any given moment.  If those relationships were based on feelings, I would give up every time things became difficult, or communication was stressful, or I was dissatisfied or disappointed or tired or hungry.  My feelings are fickle!  I can't base my human relationships on how I feel, so why is that mentality so prevalent in regards to a relationship with God?  

Love is not a feeling, it is a choice.  I choose to stick with my family through the hard times (and by the grace of God they stick with me!) knowing that those hard times do pass.  When I tell someone that I love them, I'm reaffirming my commitment to them and to the relationship between us.  When a relationship is damaged I might not necessarily feel like putting forth the effort to mend it, but unless something changes the relationship will continue to grow distant.  By putting my own feelings aside and meeting the other person wherever they may be, I'm showing them the depth of my love.  I'm not trying to prove that I love them, but I am acting out that love.

When I feel distant from God and that relationship feels empty, I need to discipline myself to continue to pray, to continue to read His Word, and to continue to seek Him.  It is the times when those feelings are gone that I need to press in and practice spiritual disciplines the most.  When those feelings are gone and I still press in to God, I'm saying (to myself almost more than to God) that He is more important to me than the way that I feel; that He is more constant than my immediate emotional state of being; that relationship with Him is worth the effort even if I don't see immediate results.  

God has already made the ultimate display of Love in the life, ministry, and sacrifice of Christ Jesus.  He has already met us where we were (and continues to meet us where we are) that we may be reconciled to Him and know His great Love.  Therefore, when I feel emptiness, when I feel distance, when I feel stale and apathetic toward God, it is because of the state of my own heart, not because He has failed me in some way.  It is because I have grown complacent, or prideful, or self-satisfied, or entitled, or any number of things that I gravitate toward naturally.  I need the outside structure of disciplines - of Lent - to keep my own feelings in their proper place.  

Lord, please use this season of Lent to draw me closer to You.  Remind me that my relationship with you is garnished by feelings, but that those feelings do not make up the substance of our relationship.  Remind me to seek You in the faith that You are always there and that You desire to be found by me.  I pray that You would draw me into deeper relationship with You, and that You would give me the grace to continue to seek You even when I don't feel like it.  I love You, Lord.

Lessons Learned in the Van

I've always loved road trips.  I love packing the car to best utilize every square inch of space.  I love putting together a snack box to treat myself to fresh fruit or veggies halfway down the road.  I even love the crappy gas station coffee as I watch the sun rise over the highway after driving for 3 hours.  I love making long playlists for different moods of the road:  mellow for the very beginning of the trip, but building quickly into golden classic rock songs to belt out as the highway stretches on to the horizon.  Or maybe I'm the only one who does that...that's okay too.

This past weekend, I got to drive down to El Paso with my church.  28 of us from our church piled into SROM's 2 new (used) 15-passenger vans early last week and started the 14-hour drive down south.  It reminded me a bit of the many hours I spent in similar vans on youth group trips in high school!  It was a great opportunity to get to connect with people in my church that I previously hadn't had a chance to get to know very well.  (It's amazing how quickly you can get to know people when you're crammed in the back seat together fighting the beginnings of feeling carsick.)

We arrived in Texas around 7:30pm on Thursday night and were warmly greeted by our church family in El Paso.  As exhausted as we were from the road trip, it was such a joy to connect and mingle with brothers and sisters in El Paso, from Kansas City, and from Fort Collins.  Even now as I reflect on it, our church family network is pretty amazing!  Ray, the pastor in El Paso, stood up to welcome us, orient us on the building we were staying in, and give us a basic schedule for the weekend (a very basic and very flexible schedule).  

Our Laramie church family had planned on going to Juarez to work with a children's ministry on Friday afternoon, which gave us time to solidify plans on Friday morning.  We also had an amazing time of prayer and worship on the roof of the school building!  It was amazing to get to look over the city of El Paso, and then turn and look over the border to Juarez.  We prayed for our time there and for the ministries on both sides of the Rio.  Piling again into our trusty vans, we crossed quickly over into Mexico and jumped in to help with the kids.  

I've done children's ministry in Hispanic cultures before, and every time I deeply wish I could speak Spanish!  But I'm also reminded of the love language of kids: playing.  We set up different games for the kids, had a puppet show, and painted faces, all with the heart to just love on the kids as much as we could!  I got to work at the face painting table, and quickly memorized the three most popular requests:  mariposa (butterfly), estrella (star), and corazón (heart).  As the afternoon passed, I slowly started remembering little bits and pieces of the Spanish I've collected from past trips...and it's amazing how quickly I forget them again!  

Saturday we split up and worked at two food distributions that the church in El Paso runs.  We spent the first two hours packing food into plastic bags for people to pick up as they came through.  The actual distribution is open from 10-12 the first Saturday of every month, and serves about 300 people at each location every month.  Along with caring for the physical needs of providing food, the church also offers to pray for each person that comes through.  Many smile, thank us for the food, and decline prayer.  But there are several who came through who eagerly accepted prayer.  Ray coached us to not fall into the trap of simply praying for their immediate situation (for a sickness, for provision of a job, for the healing of a family member).  He reminded us that the greatest thing we can offer them is Jesus, and it is Jesus who works all things (including immediate challenges and trials) together for His glory and His kingdom.

As we were packing the food, I kept thinking about Mary and Martha preparing for Jesus and his disciples.  I am a Martha by nature...I'm most comfortable being busy and packing the food and getting things done.  It's much harder for me to be Mary and to be content to simply sit at Jesus' feet and love as he loved:  without a schedule.  Once we were done packing and the people started coming in for the food distribution, there wasn't much for me to do other than smile and welcome them, and thank them for coming.  The entire time, my internal thoughts were running along the lines of "Is this really the best use of my time?  Aren't there other projects I could be working on?  What else can I be doing?"  But Jesus doesn't call us to always be doing.  He calls us to love the person in front of us.  And loving people means stopping myself from seeing people as another project to add to our missions trip to justify the long drive and the expense, and to look them in the eye and love them as Jesus loved them.  Without agenda, without impatience, without busyness.

Spending 14+ hours each way in a van provides ample time for reflection (another thing that I love about road trips).  As we were driving back on Sunday, I thought about what my agenda had been for the weekend, and what ended up being God's agenda.  The leadership in my church had much less of a project mentality, and much more of a person mentality.  We went to El Paso to connect with our church family and to support them in their ministry.  We didn't go so we could leave feeling like we had accomplished some sort of project; we didn't go because the church in El Paso needed us for any project of labor.  We went because they are our family, and we love them.

Sip, Don't Guzzle

One of the reasons that I love wilderness ministry so much is the near-endless metaphors I see for life.  One of my dear friends has worked as a guide at YoungLife Wilderness Ranch, and I think they say it well:  "Life is like the trail, and the trail is like life."

One of the reminders I need most consistently is that of daily dependence.  The truth of it is, we were never made to be "one and done" creatures.  Our bodies aren't made that way, our hearts aren't made that way, our spirits aren't made that way.  I get this reminder frequently in the wilderness when I have to remind myself (and others) to be continually sipping from water bottles.  To be frank, staying hydrated can be incredibly inconvenient.  I have to stop, dig out my water bottle, catch my breath, and try to sip carefully without dumping it all over myself.  (Okay, so it doesn't sound all that bad...but think about trying to drink from a full wide-mouthed Nalgene with a fully-loaded 85L pack on without losing your balance on a narrow, rocky trail.)  Not only that, but I have to make these stops frequently.  How much more convenient it would be to chug one or two water bottles with breakfast before hitting the trail and have that hydrate me for the day!  Unfortunately, our bodies can usually only process about a quarter of a gallon every hour; that's a maximum of 4 cups of water per hour.  Drinking a ton of water all at once won't really benefit me much at all, and it will mostly just pass through my system...leading to other inconveniences along the hike.  It's much more beneficial to be taking small sips here and there throughout the day.  (Thus the glorious invention of the hydration bladder!)

As we say on the trail, "sip, don't guzzle."  

It's easy for me to slip into the habit of working off my own strength during the week (or month...or year...) and fooling myself into thinking that I'll "catch up" with Jesus eventually.  When I invariably get behind on a year-long Bible reading plan, I brush it off with the thought that I'll just cram all of the week's readings in over the weekend.  If I haven't been spending regular time in prayer, I tell myself that I'll dedicate hours to journal and pray sometime soon...eventually.  (Here's hoping I don't try and extend this mentality to fasting...)  Sometimes in my 'urgent' mentality, staying dependent on the Lord can seem incredibly inconvenient.  I have to stop what I'm doing, dig out my Bible or my journal, carve time out of my too-hurried schedule, and sit and be quiet and wait on Jesus.  Not only that, but I have to remind myself to stop and be still frequently.  It would be so much more convenient to be able to just load up my spirit on time with the Lord and have that carry me through until I feel thirsty again!  Inconveniently, my spirit needs more than just a 'one and done' relationship with the Lord.  Fortunately, He is not satisfied with just my weekends or the time that deem free enough to spend with Him.  Christ wants all of my life, and He wants me to invite Him into every corner.

In my relationship with Christ, I need to fight against the instinct to guzzle.  I benefit so much more from taking "sips" throughout the day:  listening to Scripture while at work, finding things to thank Him for throughout the day, stopping to see the sunrise or set while marveling at His colors painted on the clouds, praying for students before making course check-in calls, spending mornings reading from His Word, journaling regularly, praying without ceasing.  These are all things that I wish I could say I did with regularity.  I wish I could say that I don't see this ongoing need as an inconvenience, or worse, as a challenge to my independence.  ("You're telling me I need You every minute of every day?  I bet I don't!  I bet I can do it all by myself!")  

If I refuse to acknowledge my need for water along the trail, I grow weak, get headaches, and become a liability to my travel group.  If I refuse to acknowledge my need for Christ throughout my day, I burn out, become irritable and frustrated, and grow distant from the community around me.  If I try to guzzle too much water at once, it passes uselessly through my system and makes me have to pee a lot.  If I try to cram all of my time with Jesus into a few short hours once or twice a week, I don't really retain anything and end up not really seeing how He wants to change my habits and thought patterns.  

Lord, give me the grace to sip from Your Word throughout the day.  Remind me of how You are the only one that truly satisfies my thirst.  Let me see this ongoing need for You as a blessing rather than an inconvenience.  Let me be like a tree planted by streams of water, constantly soaking You in and growing in You.  Guard me against self-dependence and free me from the busyness I so eagerly embrace.  Give me quiet times with You, and may I be satisfied only by You.

Oh to Grace how great a debtor

If, as the ancient hymn asserts, I'm daily a debtor to Grace, to whom or what am I indebted? 

Like most of my millennial peers, when I don't know the answer to something, I find myself typing "www.google.com" before I even have a clear understanding of how to phrase my search.  (What Would Google Say? perhaps becoming the new go-to for my generation...more thoughts on that later.)  Well, a Google search offers audio pronunciation, phonetic spelling, a fairly thorough etymology, translation options, and multiple definitions of the word "grace."  Nestled in all of that, the closest thing I could find to a description of Grace worthy of debt was "the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings."  For a quick definition from Google, I think that's actually pretty good!  But knowing the definition is much different from understanding the concept.

In his book What's so Amazing about Grace?, author Philip Yancey spends about 300 pages trying to recapture the deep meaning of Grace, something he describes as "the last best word."  In his first chapter, he quotes a counselor who beautifully describes why Grace has lost much of its meaning:

"Many years ago I was driven to the conclusion that the two major causes of most emotional problems among evangelical Christians are these:  the failure to understand, receive, and live out God's unconditional grace and forgiveness; and the failure to give out that unconditional love, forgiveness, and grace to other people... We read, we hear, we believe a good theology of grace.  But that's not the way we live.  The good news of the Gospel of grace has not penetrated the level of our emotions."  (italics mine)

I can have all of the tools of theology at my disposal in regards to understanding Grace, but unless I allow it to change my thinking and my habits I am no better off than a Google search, parroting back the definition without any meaning.  Perhaps it is hard to understand Grace because there is something in our nature that inherently does not want to accept Grace.  It offends our sense of "I can do it all by myself!"  We much prefer a system that asserts that we earn what we want and we keep what we earn.  In this 'bootstraps' mentality, we feel like we have a right to whatever it is we have worked for; Grace demands that we recognize that it is something we cannot and will not ever earn.  

In our relationship with God, we try to avoid the debt to Grace by working our way to Him.  As Yancey says,

"Even when we have committed a wrong, we want to earn our way back into the injured party's good graces.  We prefer to crawl on our knees, to wallow, to do penance, to kill a lamb - and religion often obliges us."

Legalism and religion often offer ways in which we can try to make deposits in our account with God.  Contrasted with faith and relationship (in which we have nothing but God's Grace to rest on), legalism feels secure because it tells us that we have something to offer, that we bring something to this transaction, that we can be in some sort of control.  Legalism lets us think we can avoid the debt to Grace, because who likes going into debt?  Relying on Grace, however, means that we give up anything we thought we could offer, and we approach God simply and purely on the basis of Christ's sacrifice.  

Not on our sacrifice, not on our terms, not in our own merit.  

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.  For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ..." (Philippians 3:8-9, ESV)

This is the daily debt we owe to Grace:  that we count anything we once thought we could offer as "rubbish" and come to God with nothing but a desperate prayer that He will see us as covered by the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.  And He does.  He extends Grace to us, and we receive "the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings."   If, as Yancey quotes, "we read, we hear, we believe a good theology of grace.  But that's not the way we live," we rob ourselves of experiencing that "free and unmerited favor" and we instead spend our lives striving to earn a place at God's table...something we can never hope to do.

Matters of Consequence

"I know a planet where there is a certain red-faced gentleman.  He has never smelled a flower.  He has never looked at a star.  He has never loved anyone.  He has never done anything in his life but add up figures.  And all day he says over and over, just like you: 'I am busy with matters of consequence!'  And that makes him swell up with pride.  But he is not a man--he is a mushroom!"  (from The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

  Sometimes the most beautiful truths are written in the language of children.  How often in my own life I lose sight of what is truly important because I'm so caught up in 'matters of consequence' that seem so urgent in the moment.  I lose the importance of loving the person in front of me because I'm so focused on things that demand to be addressed immediately.  Another writer has called this the "Tyranny of the Urgent", and has wisely pointed out that 

"we live in constant tension between the urgent and the important.  The problem is that the important tasks rarely must be done today or even this week [...] But the urgent tasks call for instant action--endless demands pressure every hour and day."  

Urgent tasks seem to be "matters of consequence," and like the red-faced gentleman in The Little Prince, we let ourselves swell up with pride in being so busy and having so many urgent tasks to demand our time.  Urgent tasks will always clamor to be addressed in the moment, and we will feel a fleeting sense of accomplishment in being able to check them off of a to-do list.  We use this sense of achieving and producing to justify to ourselves and others why we are not focusing on what truly matters.  Urgent things are quantifiable, important things are not.  Important things take time, they rarely yield immediate rewards, and they are hard to explain to people.  But it is the important things that have the power to truly impact our lives and the lives of those around us.

When we look at the life of Jesus, we see that he consistently refused to yield to the urgent and instead focused on the important mission his Father had sent him on.  Jesus knew the heart of his Father, and he spent a great deal of time and energy in prayer and meditation before his Father to stay focused on the importance of the things his Father was concerned with.  How much more do we need to be focused on learning the heart of the Father as well!  The urgent will always crowd out the important unless we intentionally focus on Who it is that we serve and what it is that He would have us do.

My pastor recently taught on really taking the time to know Jesus and love Him, because "the degree to which we see Jesus is the degree to which we serve Him."  I can probably figure out things that God sees as important because I grew up in the Church, I read my Bible, and I had John 3:16 memorized years before I actually understood the depth of what it means.  But if I try to follow through with what I understand as being important to God without really seeing and loving Jesus, these eternally important things become mere "matters of consequence" to be ticked off of a checklist, people are essentially objectified into figures to be added up, and I lose all of the love that would have fueled my actions.  And, as Paul has said so eloquently, 

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing."  (1 Corinthians 13:1-3, ESV)

All of the things Paul lists are good things, but the actions alone are not the best thing.  The best thing--the important thing--is Love.  How easy it is to lose sight of the important!  Lord, give me the grace to seek Your face and Your heart each and every day.  May I see You and love You more today than I did yesterday so that I may truly focus on the important things You put in front of me today.  I don't want to be a mushroom.

Lessons from "The Box"

I joined a CrossFit-type gym here in Laramie, and I've been going with several of my coworkers during our lunch break every MWF.  My boss warned us that for the first 6-8 weeks it feels like you've been hit by a train, but that eventually you get stronger, you recover faster, and then you can add more weight (...and start the pain cycle all over again).  I believed him on some level, but I was definitely unprepared for how completely wrecked my body would be by these workouts.  There was a part of me that subconsciously thought "These workouts are only a half hour.  I can do anything for 30 minutes!"  

False.  I cannot do anything for 30 minutes.  In fact, I can't do most of the workouts for the full 30 minutes.  (Yet.)

I used to think I was strong, but these workouts have given me a serious dose of reality.  And every time I go in for the 'workout of the day,' I'm humbled yet again.  I'm realizing that I can believe I'm as strong as I want to, but the real proof comes when I start testing those muscles.  If I don't push those muscles to their capacity, I can let myself think that they are much stronger and more capable than they actually are.  Though it's humbling, frustrating, and discouraging to be physically unable to do the full workout, those muscles will never get stronger unless I keep pushing and working.

I think I fall into the same habit of thinking in life outside of "the Box."  I can let myself think that I'm doing just fine in other areas in my life, but it's because I may not be stretching and testing myself.  How do we train ourselves in those areas?  Through community.  If I am not entering into true, deep, intentional community with others, I will never grow as a whole person.  Sure, I can read and think and journal to try and stretch myself, but what good will that growth do me if I don't act it out in community?  

In his letter to the Philippians, Paul challenges the church to live in humble service to one another in community:

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."  (Philippians 2:1-4 NIV84)

 Paul calls the Philippians to live out their unity with Christ, through serving each other.  Do you have any comfort from his love?  Great!  Share that comfort with your neighbor by serving them.  Do you have fellowship with the Spirit?  Praise God!  That fellowship should drive you to enter into fellowship with your community and bless them.  Has the Lord cultivated tenderness and compassion in you?  Wonderful!  Demonstrate his work by being tender and compassionate to those around you.  

I can tell myself that I absolutely am growing in these areas, but unless I test those spiritual muscles and extend myself on behalf of others, how will I really know that I am growing?  And how will I keep growing if I don't exercise those lessons in community?

Our salvation is never conditional upon what we do.  Our salvation is paid for, completely and totally, by Christ's work on the Cross.  But when the Lord starts doing a work in my life, I'm excited about it and I'm called to share that work with those in my life to increase their faith.  Yes, it might be painful and humbling in the moment, but the results of His sanctifying work in my are definitely to be celebrated!  It is through my actions and interactions within deep community that I get to demonstrate how He has changed and is changing me.  

I am eagerly looking forward to going rock climbing this summer because I know that all of the pain, muscle spasms, and soreness right now are making me stronger and more able to do the things I love.  Shouldn't I be just as eager to show what the Lord is doing in my heart and spirit?