My life is messy. It is not perfect.
It is not glamorous. In the virtual world of curated social media, my
life is not even that photogenic. But, little by little, I'm learning
how to live a full life.
My life is full. It is filled with
working at a job that I love. It is filled with celebrating the little
victories and little wins that happen every week. It is filled with hot
beverages. It is filled with quiet moments on the couch. It is filled
with laundry and cleaning and endless dishes. It is filled with joy. It is filled with music.
It is filled with laughter and smiles and tears and silence. It is
filled with empty journals. My life is filled with eye contact. It is
filled with small talk and big talk. It is filled with
editing. It is filled with grocery shopping and recipe hunting. It is
filled with unhealthy comparison. It is filled with tender moments. My life is filled with words, both
written and spoken. It is filled with doubt and questions. My life is
filled with hugs. It is filled with staring blankly into space. It is
filled with ambition that needs direction. It is filled with people. It
is a messy, imperfect life. And it is full of love.
Mine is a life in progress. I don't have
all the answers, and I probably never will, but I'm learning to
articulate the things I know and to appreciate the perspective that
experience gives me. I'm learning to change the things I don't like, and
make myself aware of the things I do like. I'm learning again to be
disciplined - personally, professionally, and spiritually. I'm learning
to stop comparing my life to others I see, and to make this life be the
kind that I want to live. And I'm learning how to let people into the
messiness and unfinished-ness.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Thursday, November 13, 2014
On Receiving Love
"Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved. Those who think they can love only the people they prefer do not love at all. Love discovers truths about individuals that others cannot see."
-Soren Kierkegaard
A coworker shared this quote with me several months ago, and I've had it posted on my desk for so long that I have ceased to notice it's there. Thankfully it stuck in my brain enough to be recalled the past few days as I've been thinking about love and newly-wedded bliss.
Last night Ryan and I celebrated our first month of marriage, and even though it's been only one month I have realized quite a bit about myself...particularly how difficult it is for me to simply receive love. Ryan is a very patient man and very good at reminding me that he loves me for who I am, not for the things I do. His love for me is reassuring because I know him to be a consistent, faithful, man. The more I know him, the more I can trust his love.
If Kierkegaard is right about love (and he generally knew what he was talking about), love is an expression more than it is a reflection. Ryan's love for me is an expression of who he is, not a reflection of who I am. The more I learn about who Ryan is, the way he lives day-to-day life, the little quirks that make him who he is, the more I learn about how he loves me. Additionally, the more I get to know Ryan, the more he is able to teach me how to love him. (There is always a small part of me that worries that I'm not doing enough to let him know how much I love him, how interested in him I am, or how much I want to learn more about him. I want to know him better because I want to love him better because I already love him so much!)
Because marriage is a metaphor for how Christ loves the Church, and because I tend to learn best in metaphors, I extrapolate much in regards to my relationship with Christ from my marriage. It's always been difficult for me to receive the unconditional, priceless grace and love of God. For a long time I lived under self-imposed pressure to prove to God how much I loved Him and how much I valued His grace and mercy. To be honest, I didn't really understand His heart and what He desires of us, so I was unable to receive His love or truly love Him back. But God's love for me is an expression of who he is, not a reflection of who I am. God loves me perfectly, purely, constantly because He is Perfect, Pure, and Constant. If I want to get to know God more (which I do!) I need to begin by letting go of my preconceived notions of who He is and learn about who He actually is through His love.
1 John 4:7-12 gives us a glimpse into this mystery:
I wish I understood this better. The more I wrestle with this concept of love, the more I realize that I don't get it. In order to understand God more, I need to receive His love more fully...but in order to receive His love more fully, I need to first express that love to others? Or is it that in seeking to love others that I learn more about who God is because I understand the nature of His love better as I realize that He is much better at loving the unlovable than I am? Is it in realizing my own shortcomings of love that I realize the vast perfection of His love? All of the above?
Am I really surprised that I'm realizing how little I know about love after a month of being married? Nope. Just scratching the surface. But I am excited to continue to learn about the connection between giving and receiving love and how it informs the "discovery of truths about individuals that others cannot see." And I am thankful that I have a very patient husband and an infinitely more patient Savior to take this journey with me.
If Kierkegaard is right about love (and he generally knew what he was talking about), love is an expression more than it is a reflection. Ryan's love for me is an expression of who he is, not a reflection of who I am. The more I learn about who Ryan is, the way he lives day-to-day life, the little quirks that make him who he is, the more I learn about how he loves me. Additionally, the more I get to know Ryan, the more he is able to teach me how to love him. (There is always a small part of me that worries that I'm not doing enough to let him know how much I love him, how interested in him I am, or how much I want to learn more about him. I want to know him better because I want to love him better because I already love him so much!)
Because marriage is a metaphor for how Christ loves the Church, and because I tend to learn best in metaphors, I extrapolate much in regards to my relationship with Christ from my marriage. It's always been difficult for me to receive the unconditional, priceless grace and love of God. For a long time I lived under self-imposed pressure to prove to God how much I loved Him and how much I valued His grace and mercy. To be honest, I didn't really understand His heart and what He desires of us, so I was unable to receive His love or truly love Him back. But God's love for me is an expression of who he is, not a reflection of who I am. God loves me perfectly, purely, constantly because He is Perfect, Pure, and Constant. If I want to get to know God more (which I do!) I need to begin by letting go of my preconceived notions of who He is and learn about who He actually is through His love.
1 John 4:7-12 gives us a glimpse into this mystery:
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."No one has ever seen God: but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." We learn more about who God is by expressing His love to others in our lives. And, in so doing, that Love changes us and is "made complete in us."
I wish I understood this better. The more I wrestle with this concept of love, the more I realize that I don't get it. In order to understand God more, I need to receive His love more fully...but in order to receive His love more fully, I need to first express that love to others? Or is it that in seeking to love others that I learn more about who God is because I understand the nature of His love better as I realize that He is much better at loving the unlovable than I am? Is it in realizing my own shortcomings of love that I realize the vast perfection of His love? All of the above?
Am I really surprised that I'm realizing how little I know about love after a month of being married? Nope. Just scratching the surface. But I am excited to continue to learn about the connection between giving and receiving love and how it informs the "discovery of truths about individuals that others cannot see." And I am thankful that I have a very patient husband and an infinitely more patient Savior to take this journey with me.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Obedience Without an Agenda
Last weekend I was flipping through Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest, one of my absolute favorite devotionals. One of the ideas that jumped out to me was exposed the mentality that if I hear God and I obey His calling, He will make me successful. God's ultimate purpose in giving me a command must be my success, right? (Or, if the concept of "success" has negative connotations, I can easily substitute "fruitfulness." God's ultimate purpose in giving me a command must be my fruitfulness, right?)
I think this expectation is much more present in my life than I realize. I am willing to take great risks for God because of the underlying assumption that success or 'fruit' is on the immediate other side. "Lord, you want me to move out to Wyoming to work without a salary for a non-profit outdoor ministry? Awesome!! You must have a ton of immediately-gratifying work for me to do!" It sometimes works that way, and it's great when it does! The problem is that I quickly expect things to always be that way. I grow frustrated and feel unfulfilled when my obedience to God doesn't lead to me feeling immediately happy, successful, or useful.
God is concerned with our holiness, not simply our fruitfulness. Fruit overflows from holiness, but it can never be the other way around. Fruit produced by my own strength or for my own agenda quickly rots.
There are a lot of strong commands regarding bearing fruit in Jesus' teachings (Matthew 3:10, Matthew 7:16-20, Matthew 21:43, Luke 3:8-9, etc.), so I don't want to belittle the importance of bearing good fruit. I recognize that it is so important to "let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds [good fruit] and glorify your Father in heaven." (Matthew 5:16) Fruit is important! but it is not the most important. Jesus gives us a sobering reminder in John 15: "I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. [...] Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." (ESV) I've written on this before, but it is still something I so quickly forget:
God calls us to obedience so that we may abide with Him. It is through our abiding with Him that He brings about holiness in our lives.
Obedience is the means to the end of intimacy with our Savior, our Lord, our King. Fruitfulness or success can never be our ultimate end for obedience. If fruitfulness or success is the end that I'm seeking, I've made fruit the object of my worship...my idol. I've focused more on my sacrifice than the One to whom I offer it. I'm more concerned with what I think the Lord wants than with patiently waiting and continuing with faithful obedience, regardless of how long it takes for Him to reveal His purposes.
Are we really so foolish that we can think to manipulate the Almighty by obeying Him with our own agenda in our hearts? "God, I will obey You so that You can bring about the results I desire." Lord, teach me to obey You without an agenda! Teach me to obey You with a heart that desires intimacy with You above all else. Give me a heart that rejoices in fruit, but that does not turn to the fruit for satisfaction and affirmation. Give me a craving for intimacy with You that leads to holiness; guard me from feeling that fruit entitles me to holiness or intimacy with You. It is by Grace alone that I can abide with You. Thank You for Your Grace!
I think this expectation is much more present in my life than I realize. I am willing to take great risks for God because of the underlying assumption that success or 'fruit' is on the immediate other side. "Lord, you want me to move out to Wyoming to work without a salary for a non-profit outdoor ministry? Awesome!! You must have a ton of immediately-gratifying work for me to do!" It sometimes works that way, and it's great when it does! The problem is that I quickly expect things to always be that way. I grow frustrated and feel unfulfilled when my obedience to God doesn't lead to me feeling immediately happy, successful, or useful.
God is concerned with our holiness, not simply our fruitfulness. Fruit overflows from holiness, but it can never be the other way around. Fruit produced by my own strength or for my own agenda quickly rots.
There are a lot of strong commands regarding bearing fruit in Jesus' teachings (Matthew 3:10, Matthew 7:16-20, Matthew 21:43, Luke 3:8-9, etc.), so I don't want to belittle the importance of bearing good fruit. I recognize that it is so important to "let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds [good fruit] and glorify your Father in heaven." (Matthew 5:16) Fruit is important! but it is not the most important. Jesus gives us a sobering reminder in John 15: "I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. [...] Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." (ESV) I've written on this before, but it is still something I so quickly forget:
God calls us to obedience so that we may abide with Him. It is through our abiding with Him that He brings about holiness in our lives.
Obedience is the means to the end of intimacy with our Savior, our Lord, our King. Fruitfulness or success can never be our ultimate end for obedience. If fruitfulness or success is the end that I'm seeking, I've made fruit the object of my worship...my idol. I've focused more on my sacrifice than the One to whom I offer it. I'm more concerned with what I think the Lord wants than with patiently waiting and continuing with faithful obedience, regardless of how long it takes for Him to reveal His purposes.
Are we really so foolish that we can think to manipulate the Almighty by obeying Him with our own agenda in our hearts? "God, I will obey You so that You can bring about the results I desire." Lord, teach me to obey You without an agenda! Teach me to obey You with a heart that desires intimacy with You above all else. Give me a heart that rejoices in fruit, but that does not turn to the fruit for satisfaction and affirmation. Give me a craving for intimacy with You that leads to holiness; guard me from feeling that fruit entitles me to holiness or intimacy with You. It is by Grace alone that I can abide with You. Thank You for Your Grace!
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