"Glorify Thyself at My Expense"

What does it mean to glorify God?  What does it mean to be a 'woman after God's own heart?'  When I say that I want to live a life in pursuit of God, what does that actually look like?  And, when I'm honest with myself, how do I move my abstract ideas of 'living missionally' into day-to-day love for the people in front of me?

There are a lot of questions I'm wrestling with as I'm preparing for the Wilderness Ministry Professional Course.  It's unbelievable to me that the course starts only three weeks from now!  Three weeks seems like such a short time to prepare physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually!  And yet, three weeks seems like such a long time to wait until it all begins.  I have plenty of articles to read, lessons to plan, gear to drool over, miles to run, and support letters to send out before August 21st, but a big part of me is impatient for it all to begin!  

Many of the questions I'm asking are life-long pursuit kind of questions, more about the asking and exploring than settling on one "right" answer.  The only thing that I can rest in and be settled by is remembering that I want to glorify God.  Or--more accurately--I want God to glorify Himself in my life.  When I try to act of my own initiative, imagining what I should do to please God, I find that more often than not I end up trying to serve my own agenda, trying to please a god that resembles my own self more than living in worship of a God beyond my comprehension.  All of the best I have to offer is still selfish, narrow-minded, and empty, because all of the best I have to offer still begins and ends with me.  Asking "How can I glorify God?" immediately puts Olivia in the power seat, as if I am the one in charge of making God look good.  When I remember that my life begins, ends, and exists with God, my prayer becomes "How will You glorify Yourself in me?"  It is not my strength, wit, wisdom, or power that adds to God's glory; it is for His glory that all of me exists.

In preparing for SROM during these few weeks, there are so many doubts, fears, and questions that nag at me.  Is this really where God has me?  Do I still have what it takes to do this?  Can I do this?  And the prayer that I have been given for these times is "God, glorify Thyself at my expense."  In preparing for the Wilderness Ministry course, glorify Thyself.  In preparing for full-time ministry, glorify Thyself.  In difficulties raising a monthly support network, glorify Thyself.  In saying goodbyes at home, glorify Thyself.  In my doubts, glorify Thyself.  Whatever it may be Lord, glorify Thyself.